Simpsons Antarctic Adventure
by UndeadSamurai01
Summary: When Homer accepts a posting to Antarctica the Simpson family embark on perhaps their most daring journey yet, to the vast ice fields of the south pole. They slowly adjust to life on the station, but all is not as it seems on this frozen desert in the sky
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Simpsons, Matt Groaning does. As such I will not derive any profit from this work of fiction, nor do I give permission for anyone else to use it for commercial purposes. I give permission for this story to be archived anywhere, with or without my knowlege, so long as Matt and I are credited.**

**Second Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, reading this chapter does not qualify you as a nuclear technician. As such the information contained therein, while based in fact may not be entirely accurate, and should not be used to run/construct an actual reactor.**

**Third disclaimer: The google cache trick will work with most filtering systems, but I take no responsibility for what you may or may not use it for. Keep the internet free!  
**

**Chapter 1**

Homer Simpson sat behind his control panel at the nuclear plant. Laid out before him was a mind-boggling array of switches, dials, buttons and indicator lights, which Homer had likened to the ugliest Christmas tree he had ever seen. It had worried him for the first few weeks, but 10 years on he had it all worked out. All you had to do was wait for one of the lights to go green, then press the button below it. It was child's play. That was until today, for now one of the lights was flashing red.

At first he tried to ignore it, but after about five minutes another light started flashing and a faint beeping noise could be heard. Tentatively he reached out and flicked the switch next to the red light. Immediately more lights started to pop on one after another, spreading like fire until the board was a sea of red.

"Do'h" Screamed Homer

More and more alarms started to trigger, each one distinct and signifying a specific malfunction, but now blended into a cacophony of deadly sound. Homer had no idea what they meant; it was the spoken alarm in the background that worried him most.

"Coolant flow interrupted," said an emotionless British woman "Core meltdown in 30 minutes"

"Super Nanny?" Homer asked the voice "Is that you?"

The voice paused before repeating the message again.

"What do I do?" Homer wailed

Just then Homer spotted the big red button marked 'HELP'. Well he needed help right now so he slammed his meaty fist into the button. He heard a clicking sound as his door locked and then a grinding as the blast door slid down under gravity hitting the concrete floor with a clang. The same voice as before came out from the intercom this time.

"Attention all personnel" said the voice "a lockdown is in effect and blast doors have been sealed for your protection. Please remain clam."

"Ohh" wined Homer "That didn't help at all!"

Now trapped in his office homer really began to panic. Why hadn't he paid attention in all of that training? Training… That was it! The training manual. All he had to do was look this up. After some rummaging he managed to find it. He opened up the first page, only to find that the pages had been hollowed out. Inside was a slip of paper that read 'IOU one emergency donut, signed Homer'.

"Do'h" He screamed

He needed to think. But thinking wasn't his strong suit. So he picked up the phone and called the smartest person he knew.

xxxxxxx

Several miles away Lisa was in class staring out the window. She could see the enormous cooling towers of the nuclear plant off in the distance. She knew precisely how the plant worked, the Uranium-235 being struck by a neutron, splitting and ejecting three more neutrons, which were slowed by the moderator and then struck other atoms causing them to split. The cadmium control rods absorbed excess neutrons controlling the reactions. Which was more than she could say for Ms Hoover's knowledge of the revolutionary war.

Just then a broadcast came over he PA system, breaking her from her reverie.

"Lisa Simpson report to the office, you have a phonecall."

Lisa was a bit perturbed by this. It was quite unusual for a student to be called out of class for a phonecall, so it must be something big, and years of life as a Simpson had taught her that big news was seldom good. Still, it was no use sitting there wondering. She got up and left the class.

In the office she picked up the phone and held it to her ear.

"Ah Lisa honey," Homer's voice came over the phone "Ah I kinda have a problem…"

Lisa could hear the alarms in the background so she was fairly sure what the problem was.

"Uh Dad," Lisa exclaimed in shock "It's great that you have faith in me and all, but I'm not really qualified to operate a class III Liquid Metal Fission reactor."

"Liquid whatnow?" asked Homer "Look, the plant is on lockdown, all internal communications are cut. You gotta help me!"

"Alright I'll see what I can do." Lisa mock sighed

Lisa actually smiled. Sure the whole town's lives depended on her, but this is what she lived for, a mental challenge. It sure beat history class.

"Ok" instructed Lisa "Just hold the phone up to the panel so I can hear the alarms."

"…coolant flow interrupted, core meltdown in 15 minutes" said the British voice.

Lisa heard Homer put the phone back to his ear.

"Right." Said Lisa "that's bad, very bad. The core is overheating, and the coolant system is offline."

"What do I do?" asked Homer frantically

"You need to lower the control rods and shutdown the reactor. Then you can worry about getting the coolant flowing again," commanded Lisa "This shouldn't happen, fail-safes should have already taken effect. Mr Burns must have been cutting corners again."

"Um," said Homer "How do I lower the control rods?"

Lisa rolled her eyes in frustration. Of course he wouldn't know, it had all been too easy. Just then she saw the receptionist on her computer, and had an idea.

"Move" yelled Lisa, commandeering the keyboard "I need to use this computer, or everyone dies!"

Lisa opened the web browser and started typing into the search box. She had the telephone handset balanced on her shoulder.

"Ok dad" said Lisa "what model number is your console."

He told her and she entered the search string. She clicked on the first link, and to her dismay was met with an all too familiar page.

"This site has been blocked by the Springfield Board of Education under the following categories: Terrorism, Hacking"

Figures that censorship would be the death of the town, though Lisa. Or at least it would have been, if the filtering system had been implemented halfway competently. As it was Lisa simply clicked the back button and looked at the Google cache instead.

xxxxxxx

Back at the power plant Homer listened carefully to Lisa's instructions. First lowering the control rods, then restarting the liquid metal cooling system (it's real look it up) and ending the lockdown.

Homer slumped back in his chair, ears ringing in the silence now that the alarms were gone. Thank God, he thought, it was all over.

"Simpson!" snapped Mr Smithers

"Ahh" Homer screamed, but it was just the intercom

"Report to my office at once" Smithers continued

xxxxxxx

Palms sweating homer poked his head into Mr Burn's office.

"Uh…" he muttered "you wanted to see me sir?"

"You!" yelled Mr Burns " Ah…"

"Smithers" he whispered to his assistant "what is the name of this anencephalic encephalopod"

"That's Homer Simpson sir" replied Smithers "One of your radiation sponges from sector 7G."

"Right," said Burns, turning back to Homer "who do you think you are shutting down my power plant? You've cost me millions, give me one good reason I shouldn't fire you where you stand."

Homer was really nervous now. He gave a stuttering explanation of what had happened.

"So not only did you shut it down, you also nearly blew it up!" yelled Mr Burns "And that's supposed to make it somehow seem better? That's it you're –"

"I'm not sure if that's such a good idea sir" Smithers interrupted, dragging Burns to the side and whispering "He's president of the union, and he could revel the, er… cost-cutting measures which allowed this to happen. No, I think I have just the thing. Do you remember when the National Academy of Science asked us for a nuclear physicist?"

"Those good for nothing eggheads?" Replied Mr Burns

"Yes well, it just so happens that there's another opening," Smithers hinted conspiratorially "One that would put our 'scientist' about as far away as you can get on this planet."

Mr Burns grinned.

xxxxxxx

That evening Homer came home to greet his family.

"How has work today Homie?" Asked Marge

Lisa winked at him conspiratorially. Homer paused for a moment, looking them all in the eyes.

"Pack your bags everyone," He said finally "The Simpsons are going to Antarctica!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Simpsons, Matt Groaning does. As such I will not derive any profit from this work of fiction, nor do I give permission for anyone else to use it for commercial purposes. I give permission for this story to be archived anywhere, with or without my knowlege, so long as Matt and I are credited.**

**A/N: Apologies to anyone who knows a lot about Antarctica, but for this story I will assume that the new south-pole station was never built, guess I'll just nostalgic for the dome. If you like you can pretend the story is set in 2003.**

**Chapter 2**

_Dear Diary_

_We're on our way to Antarctica, and by my reckoning that means the Simpsons have been to every continent this year._

_When dad said we were flying to Antarctica tomorrow, that wasn't strictly true. Obviously you can't fly strait from Springfield international to the South Pole, what airline is going to cover that? While we're on the topic of airlines, you wouldn't believe the number we had to go through to find one willing to take Bart. Why does he have to be so immature all the time? Anyway once we finally got on a plane it was an 18-hour flight to New Zealand. We could have done the stopover in Argentina, but after our experience in Brazil we decided to avoid South America altogether. Bart was his usual dopey self, but at this point I'm just glad he didn't crash the plane._

_We landed in the town of Christchurch where we were fitted out for some gear. At first they were at a loss for how to fit Maggie, but mum came to the rescue with her sewing skills, cutting up a $500 Gortex jacket to make her a crawler, complete with hood. Bright orange of course, for visibility. While we were there dad nearly started a pub brawl by insinuating that the locals were in love with sheep. Of course dad wouldn't know what 'insinuate' meant and his insult was proportionately lower brow. Do all eight year olds have to deal with this or is it just me?_

Lisa looked up from her diary and snapped it shut.

"Bart" she yelled "Stop reading over my shoulder!"

"Bart be nice to your sister" said Marge absently

Lisa got up and walked into the cockpit. Well, really it was just the front of the plane, not a separate room. Looking out the windscreen, she saw… Nothing. The whole view was white like a sheet of paper, the perfectly flat ice stretched to the horizon in all directions, blending almost undetectably into the overcast sky.

Lisa took a step back, blinking in surprise. The co-pilot chuckled at her apparent disorientation.

"Yep" He reminiscing "she'll do that to you the first time. After those mountains we passed a half hour ago there's a whole bunch of nothin' for hundreds of miles, and you guys are gonna be right in the middle of it. If you ask me all you beakers are all nuts."

"Beakers?" Asked Lisa

"Ya' know, scientist types" he replied, "What field is your mother in anyway?"

"Oh…" muttered Lisa awkwardly "Actually it's my father. He's a Nuclear Physicist."

There was silence for a moment. The Pilot looked over and pushed his aviators down to reveal a cocked eyebrow.

"You mean the guy who asked me if I'd ever fought a polar bear?" he asked incredulous "He's a scientist?"

"Yes" she said simply

The pilot and co-pilot burst into fits of laughter, thankfully having the presence of mind to touch the controls as they did so.

"Hey!" yelled Lisa "he's still my father."

"Sorry," replied the co-pilot wiping tears from his eyes "I'm sure he's a great scientist."

He almost managed it with a strait face, but at the last second couldn't hold back a snort of laughter. Lisa pivoted on the spot and walked back towards her family grumbling something about insensitive jerks.

xxxxxxx

Four hours later the plane finally touched down at the Admunson-Scott Base. According to Lisa's watch it was three AM, but as she well knew the sun in Antarctica did strange things. The sun would stay in the sky for another six weeks, seemingly orbiting the horizon until it would climax to a four day long sunset and then six months of total darkness.

When the door of the plane opened it was like hitting a wall. The air outside was a brisk -29°C/ -20°F which the pilot had assured them was unusually warm for this time of year. The whole family was suited up with full arctic gear, but to Bart it felt like needles were poking every inch of exposed skin on his face. They stood for a moment clouds of breath floating up towards the sky.

Looking around the base the first thing that hit them was the enormous aluminium dome. It was easily 50ft high and about 70ft wide and constructed out of triangular sections. Around the dome were various prefabricated buildings. Most were semi-permanent soft-walled tents, a few were simple hard walled versions of these and there were a few other miscellaneous buildings including a couple of enormous telescopes and a small power plant.

Base personnel swarmed the plane and the supplies were quickly unloaded allowing the plane to immediately take off again. The engines had never stoped running, in this climate you never knew if they would start again.

Just as the Simpsons were beginning to wonder what to do they were approached by a man in polar gear, the gear of course covered his entire body so they couldn't really see anything about him except that he was about 6'2".

"Welcome" He said gruffly "You've been assigned to tent 21, put your gear in there and meet me back here for a safety briefing at 0400 hours."

Homer noted that he sounded similar to a drill sergeant from his short career in the US army.

Lisa saw an immediate flaw in his logic and felt compelled to point it out.

"Wouldn't our tent be in a different time zone to here?" She asked smugly

"Thankyou" he said sarcastically. "As I was about to say, the base is actually in 24 different time zones so we just use American eastern time; the current time is 0334 hours"

xxxxxx

At 0400 hours the Simpsons were all standing in one row out in the cold by the runway. The drill sergeant had reappeared and was lecturing as he walked up and down the row looking them each in the eye.

"Right" he yelled "all you newbies better listen up and listen up good."

"This ain't Kansas anymore, hell this ain't even Alaska. This is Antarctica. Temperatures here have been known to drop into the triple digit negatives, without protection you will die within minutes. And for god sakes don't touch anything metal unless you feel like losing a finger."

"You are probably all noticing now that you feel light headed and woozy. Well despite the fact that this all looks flat this whole plateau is actually 2 miles above sea level, meaning that the air here is thin like on top of a mountain. You will feel rotten for a few days, but eventually you should acclimate."

"Navigation is very important here. As you probably saw on your way out here there ain't a whole lot of landmarks out there, so never go so far away far away from the base that you can't see it. And whenever you leave your tent you must always carry a radio. No excuses.

"Wind speeds can reach up to 200 mph, so despite the fact that the precipitation rate here is the lowest on the planet, snow blown from the ground can easily create a white out in which you can't see 6 inches from your face. People have died within arms reach of shelter. That's why it's important that we always know where you are. If you're caught in a storm don't wander around aimlessly. Dig a hole and hunker down until we can send help."

"Pay attention to your body if you start feeling cold, losing energy and alertness get back inside, temperatures can drop 50 degrees in 10 minutes."

"Another thing you have to watch out for are crevasses, they're not very common out here, but they do exist. Never go outside the boundary of the base alone. If your buddy does fall into a crevasse DO NOT make a half-arsed rescue attempt. If you fall in too it will be very difficult for the rescue team to find you both. Call for help, and wait for a properly equipped team to arrive."

"Dismissed"

xxxxxx

As the Simpsons trudged back to their tent Marge was beginning to wonder what her irresponsible husband had got them into this time. She looked at her family and although she couldn't see their faces under all that gear, she somehow knew what they were thinking. Lisa had a slight spring in her step and Marge knew that she was happy because she didn't have many friends in Springfield and now, she would be surrounded by scientists whom she could learn from. Bart was harder to read his walk had a sort of cadence to it like marching. Bart was a bit unhappy about having to leave Springfield, but he enjoyed the adventure. Marge knew he liked to think of himself as a tough guy, a rebel and here was another opportunity for him to prove himself, he would soldier on. Homer was walking a bit more hesitantly and she could see that he was concerned. Not for himself, but for the family he had uprooted so many times. Maggie sucked on her pacifier and looked lovingly into Marge's goggled eyes. Maggie was happy wherever she was.

They reached their tent and prepared to come inside. Marge shrugged her shoulders. They would make do. They always did.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Simpsons, Matt Groaning does. As such I will not derive any profit from this work of fiction, nor do I give permission for anyone else to use it for commercial purposes. I give permission for this story to be archived anywhere, with or without my knowledge, so long as Matt and I are credited.**

**A/N: I'm sorry for the ungodly delay, I had other things on my mind, hopefully you're all still reading. **

**A/N (2): As you might guess I have never actually been to Antarctica, so most of what I'm writing is just educated guesswork. I've done a lot of research into of this stuff, but my understanding is sketchy at best.**

**I would like to thank Emanuel Jacobi who runs the real 'IceCube' neutrino detector at the south pole. Your dedication to science for 'wintering over' is an inspiration. Know that my character is in no way based on you, in the unlikely event that you read this.  
**

**I have also noticed some mistakes in chapter 2. The South Pole station runs on New Zealand time, not American eastern and the peak windspeed was 60mph, not 200, but whatever, who cares right? On with the chapter.**

**Chapter 3**

Lisa woke with a start as she fell face first to the floor. There was a moment of disorientation as she looked around the unfamiliar room. The inner walls looked like plywood, while the outer wall and ceiling appeared to be constructed from some sort of fabric. The room was tiny, with just enough room for a narrow bunk, and a 'desk', which was really more of a small ledge sticking out from the wall. The room contained a single curtained window. At present the curtains were drawn, but there was light streaming from around the edges... just as it had been at 4 am when she went to sleep.

That's right, Lisa remembered, she was in Antarctica. Lisa checked her watch. It was 10:32 am. She lay back down on her bunk, she felt wrecked. Jet lag, perpetual sunlight, and altitude sickness made for a wicked headache. Looking up at the bunk above her she had a sudden thought - at least she hadn't fallen off the top bunk.

At present the top bunk was unoccupied, but the base commander had made clear that it was temporary, once more personnel arrived she would get a roommate, whom, she reflected with dread, would almost certainly be Bart.

xxxxx

An hour later the family was up and trudging across the ice, towards the mess hall. They had been woken by a friendly woman named Claire. She and her husband Greg were astronomers.

"Ya know 'til you folks came along, Greg and I were the only married couple on base," Claire observed " 'Course a few 'o the other poor saps have partners back home, probably a few less by the enda the season if ya know what I mean."

The mess hall was actually inside the dome, which Marge, was surprised to learn was just a shell. Inside was a maze of interconnected, modular units, which vaguely resembled orange shipping containers. They were rectangular and in some places were stacked on top of one another. The floor of the dome was snow, and at the very top was a large hole, which Claire explained, was for ventilation. Really the dome was only there to keep out the wind.

"What are astronomers doing here during the summer?" asked Lisa suddenly, "If the sun never goes down what is there to look at?"

"Well aren't you the observant one?" replied Claire, "Greg and I are here to supervise the construction of a new telescope. There's only a four-month window of opportunity each year to get parts flown in, after that we're on our own. The astronomy happens in winter. We get 6 months of total darkness, the air is nice and clear, we're up high away from atmospheric interference – it's astronomer's heaven."

"You mean we'll be trapped here with a bunch of nerds for eight months!" asked Bart in shock.

"Well no," replied Claire thoughtfully, "least I don't think so – there's no way they'd let kids winter-over down here. Quite frankly I'm surprised they'd let them come here at all."

"Hey" said Lisa "We're right here. Besides I read somewhere that people have been born in Antarctica."

"Well yeah, maybe in McDirt Town, not down here though," countered Claire.

"McDirt Town?" questioned Marge.

"Oh, that's just slang for McMurdo, it's the largest base in Antarctica." She explained, "They call it Mac Town, but we call it Dirt Town on account of the snow up there actually melts. Highest we've ever got is -13°C/7°F."

With that they reached the door to the mess hall. The door was metal with a rubber seal around the outside, reminiscent of a walk in freezer. Claire pulled the door open and a cloud of mist poured out from around the edges.

Must be condensation, Lisa thought to herself, warm moist air from inside mixing with the cool, dry air out here.

Inside was a small room to remove boots and coats, kind of like an airlock, but the inner door was just wood. Fingers of frost encircled the outer door, as if the cold was trying to claw its way inside.

The mess hall was quite large, in comparison to the other buildings. Large enough to contain four tables, each of which could seat about 15 people, as well as a kitchen. Marge looked around and saw that about half the seats were taken; no doubt more people were expected to arrive soon. Claire went and sat at one of the tables, next to her husband. Homer's eyes were fixed however on the long buffet style servery. There were copious amounts of several dishes, sitting atop heating lamps to keep them warm. Homer immediately grabbed three plates and began piling them high. The rest of the family took plates as well, but took reasonable portions.

"Homer, don't be greedy," chastised Marge, "other people need to eat too."

"I wouldn't worry about that actually," said a man behind them, "in fact you should all eat as much as you can. Down here you'll need to eat at least 5000 calories a day just to maintain your weight. The cold sucks it right out of you."

The man was average height and weight, probably around 25.

"Thanks," replied Marge "and you are?"

"Oh right," he replied jovially, serving himself to great helpings of food "name's Dan, and no, I don't have a fancy PhD, I'm just a mechanic, so I run the generators that keep us from freezing to death."

"Where do we-" Homer began

"-Sit?" interrupted Dan, "well you should probably sit over there, by Jurgen, he'll be your research partner from what I've heard."

"Thanks." said Homer

The family took their plates and headed for the table where Jurgen was seated along with a bunch of others. Dan sat down with them as well.

Jurgen was a stereotypical professor type, complete with glasses. He was probably around 65.

"So you must be Homer" said Jurgen with a moderate German accent " Da man who'll be working with me on the IceCube project."

Homer looked confused.

"So we came all the way down here to make ice?" asked Homer, "I can do that in my freezer at home – actually one time I put beer in the tray instead of water. I call them beer cubes, but they didn't taste very good-"

"Das is a joke yes?" interrupted Jurgen "You know what we are doing ya?"

"Um, of course…" replied Homer cautiously, "but why don't you explain it to my, uh daughter Lisa. She's interested in this kind of stuff."

"Why not! Always good to be getting children interested in the sciences" said Jurgen enthusiastically "You see Lisa, we are looking for things call neutrinos, do you know what they are?"

"A tiny neutral fundamental particle released by an atom when it fissions created when the energy required to hold the atom together is converted into mass," replied Lisa smugly "in Italian the name means 'little neutral one'."

Jurgen was taken aback for a second, before he continued.

"Wow" he said "Okay then. Where did you learn that?"

Lisa looked at her father and winked.

"Well my father did work in a nuclear power plant for ten years." She stated simply. "I guess I picked up a few things."

"Still, a child of your age…" he continued "Well, yes you're mostly right, neutrinos can be created in other ways, but that's not really important. The thing about neutrinos is that they are so tiny that they are very hard to detect, much smaller than atoms, much smaller than protons and neutrons. So small that they can pass through then entire earth without hitting anything, and the vast majority of them do, thousands of them are passing through us right now at near the speed of light. But some of them do collide with atoms, and when they do, their enormous velocity actually creates a visible flash. The trick with the IceCube project is that we drill into the ice and place detectors down at about 3000 feet, down there the ice is so clear that we can see for miles, and if a neutrino strikes an atom anywhere in that radius we can pick up data from it."

"Wow" exclaimed Lisa "That's so cool!"

"Boring!" called Bart from across the table.

Bart had long since abandoned that conversation and instead was talking to Dan.

"What's a 'Galley'?" asked Bart, reading off a sign on the wall

"It's what they call the kitchen on a ship" replied Dan

"But we're not on a ship." Bart pointed out

"No" laughed Dan "no we're not, but naval terminology dies hard. Before they put up the dome, the station used to be a naval base, as surprising as that may be 800 miles from shore, they shut down the old base back in '75."

"What happened to it?" asked Bart

"Well a lot of it was underground to start with, but its all buried deep now, parts of it have caved in." answered Dan "It's pretty cool actually, everything's preserved by the cold so it looks like it could have been abandoned yesterday."

"Where is it?" asked Bart

"It's off limits, no-one's alowed down there" Dan replied hastily, suddenly realising Bart's intentions, "too dangerous, it could collapse at any time."

"But you went down there" said Bart, "didn't you?"

"Look just don't do it" said Dan frustrated "if something happens to you I could get into a lot of trouble.

"Don't worry" Bart said "I won't rat you out.

Dan shook his head in dismay, he was not good at working with children.

"Fine." Said Dan, lowering his voice "I'll take you there myself, just don't tell anyone, and promise me you wont go alone."

"I promise." said Bart, smirking

Dan sighed and shook his head.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Simpsons, Matt Groaning does. As such I will not derive any profit from this work of fiction, nor do I give permission for anyone else to use it for commercial purposes. I give permission for this story to be archived anywhere, with or without my knowledge, so long as Matt and I are credited.**

"Look," explained Dan "I'm telling you, Ironman is way cooler than radioactive man."

"Nu-ah!" countered Bart

"Ya-huh!" Dan shot back

"Radioactive man could kick Ironman's butt" claimed Bart derisively

"Nu-ah!" countered Dan

Across the mess hall Lisa smirked, putting her hand to her forehead - thumb and forefinger at 90° to one another.

"Losers" she whispered to herself

"Huh?" asked a woman "what?"

At a glance she looked to be in her late 20's. She had brown hair, cut fairly short.

"Oh nothing, sorry" replied Lisa "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers."

"There's no strangers here Lisa" replied the woman

"How do you know my name?" asked Lisa warily

"Everyone knows everyone here," she replied, "you think I wouldn't know the name of the only other vegetarian on base? I'm Carla, by the way. Botanist."

"Well, when you put it that way" said Lisa "I was just commenting on my brother. It seems he's found his mental equal."

Bart was now standing on the table so that he could stare down Dan.

"Radioactive man uses nuclear power!" Yelled Bart

"So does Ironman" claimed Dan

"Nu-ah!" countered Bart

"Ya-huh!" replied Dan "His ARC generator fissions Palladium!"

Carla Laughed, surprisingly not at Dan or Bart, but at Lisa.

"What's so funny?" asked Lisa

"You FNGI's (pronounced fin-gee) fall for it every time." Carla said unhelpfully

"What!" asked Lisa impatiently "and what's a FNGI?"

Carla put a hand up to her mouth.

"Oh, err. Shouldn't have said that." she said awkwardly "Um, its and acronym for, e... Fu- Friendly New Guy on the Ice, or in your case Girl."

Carla played with her hair nervously.

"I seeeee," said Lisa knowingly "I'll ask you again, what is so funny?"

"Dan's whole 'I'm just a mechanic' act." she explained "He doesn't like people to feel inferior, so he's always downplaying his intelligence, but nothing gets done around here without him having a hand in it. It's kind of strange actually - he has a masters in Engineering and Physics, but he chose to come work here as a mechanic."

Lisa was a little taken aback by this. Two masters degrees! and he looked to be around 25.

"Wait, two masters?" asked Lisa

Carla lowered her voice, as if to tell a secret.

"Rumors are he was some kind of freaky child prodigy," she answered

"graduated High school at 15 went strait to MIT, he doesn't like to talk about it though."

-x-

It was Homer's third day on the job and he was pleased to discover that his new job was no more difficult than his old one. It primarily involved sitting in front of a computer and logging data. The system was semi-automated and was smart enough to identify aberrations from the background noise. All Homer had to do was press some buttons to record each event. It wasn't exactly exciting work and the hours were long, but the pay was good and the beer was cold - so he wasn't complaining.

On the beer cooling front Jurgen, had taught him a new technique. Just put a beer warm out the door for a couple minutes and it would come back ice cold. Timing was crucial though - leave it too long and the bottle would explode. His German boss was none too pleased that Homer had wasted two of the stations limited beer supply perfecting the technique.

-x-

Back in the mess hall Bart and Dan had finished their superhero argument, by agreeing to disagree.

"OK," whispered Dan conspiratorially, "I've got some time off this afternoon, we can see the old base, if you still want."

"Awesome!" said Bart a little too loudly "Lets do it."

Across the room Lisa perked up her ears.

"Right," he instructed "sign out a radio and meet me out in front of the dome."

With that Bart got up and left the mess hall, beginning to put on his polar gear in the antechamber.

The gear consisted of a base layer of thermal underwear, followed by the insulating layers of polar fleece, and finally the outer shell of Gore-Tex, consisting of chest high overalls and a down parka, to block the wind. There were then the four pairs of gloves that came halfway up the forearms, the cotton liners, the fleece mittens, and the Gore-Tex over-gloves, a pair of ski gloves were attached to the wrists, in case dexterity was needed. The calf-high boots were of a strange design, for not only did they have to protect from loosing heat to the air by convection, but also to the ground by conduction. They were oversized so as to include thick plastic soles, which were honeycombed to contain air pockets, felt lining, insoles and a nylon outer layer - needless to say they were clunky and difficult to walk in. To top it off there was a ski mask and yellow tinted ski goggles.

It took a while.

-x-

"Bart," whispered Dan "what's she doing here? I told you not to tell anyone!"

"I'm Lisa" she replied coldly, pointing to the other Gore-tex wrapped child "that's Bart."

"Oh," exclaimed Dan, turning to face Bart "well then, Bart, same question."

"She's here because she overheard you," said Bart "and threatened to rat us out unless we let her come."

"Whatever," said Dan, uncaringly "lets get a move on."

The three figures trudged over the frozen landscape for about half an hour before Dan looked at he GPS and told them to stop. Bart and Lisa looked at eachother, confused. There was nothing here, just an expanse of flat snow. Dan took out an ice pick.

Lisa's stomach suddenly dropped. Oh my god! She thought, what if he's brought us out here to kill us – no-one knows we're here.

"Bart" She whispered urgently, tugging on his sleeve while backing away.

Bart turned and looked back at her confusion and fear in his eyes.

Dan swung his ice pick – into the snow, then again in a different spot. On the fourth try the pick made a solid thunk! Sound as it struck wood. Bart and Lisa turned to look at him; fear gone, confusion remaining.

"Found it." He reported proudly, oblivious to the panic he had just caused.

A quick excavation revealed a trap door, just inches beneath the surface, which Dan proceeded to pull open. Inside was pitch blackness. Dan cracked a glow stick and dropped it in. The luminous rod dropped three meters/yards and clattered on the wooden floor, illuminating the room in an eerie green glow. They were at the apex of a small dome a rope ladder hung down to the floor.

"Cool!" yelled Bart

Dan was the first down the ladder, followed by Bart, then Lisa. Lisa noted that the ladder was synthetic – which meant it must be relatively new addition.

"This used to be the observatory," explained Dan, sounding very much like a tour guide "you can see the old 16" telescope, preserved by the lack of moisture in the air."

Dan reached the floor, switching on his flashlight.

"Hang on," asked Bart skeptically "I may not be an astronomer – but don't telescopes tend to work better –above– ground?"

"It used to be above ground – it's just been buried by snow accumulation. It doesn't snow very much here, but when it does, it stays put. Never gets warm enough to melt it." Dan replied "Ok now let's rope up – some of these tunnels have collapsed, and the last thing I need is you falling into them."

Dan took another flashlight out of his bag and handed it to Lisa. Bart looked at him expectantly.

"Sorry," Dan shrugged "I only brought two."

"No fair!" wined Bart "how come Lisa gets the torch."

"'Cause she's taking point" Dan shot back

"I am?" asked Lisa

"She is?" asked Bart simultaneously

"Lisa is the lightest, so she goes first," Dan explained "that way, if she falls, we can stop her, get it?"

"Alright," conceded Bart "geeze."

As they walked through the dark freezing tunnels Bart could see that the walls were bowed inwards slightly and every so often the timbers would groan ominously, as if they were on a ship. He would never admit it, but he was afraid that the whole tunnel might collapse at any moment.

"So Dan," Lisa probed "I hear you used to be an engineer."

"Who told you that?" he asked, feigning disinterest.

"No-one, I just heard is all." she replied "How is it a man of you're education ends up working as a mechanic?"

"I made some bad decisions." he said shortly

They kept walking. At each intersection they came to, Dan dropped a glow stick to mark the way back.

"Like what" asked Lisa

"Like things I'd rather not discuss." said Dan tersely

"You know, it's pretty scary down here," threatened Lisa "you never know when I might *accidentally* let it slip that you brought us here."

"You know," said Dan mimicking her tone "if you were to *accidentally* fall into a collapsed tunnel, no-one would ever find the body."

Lisa immediately shut up and started walking quicker, her shoulders tensed. To Dan it looked as though she was terrified.

"You know I was kidding right," he said in a kinder tone "I would never… look, you want to know why I'm a mechanic, fine. I was arrogant.

All through my childhood people kept telling me I was a genius and I believed them. I got into all the accelerated programs. I graduated high school when I was 15, and I went to MIT. I was younger than all my classmates, and I constantly felt I had something to prove. I had to prove I was smarter than everyone and I honestly believed that I was.

When it came time to market one of my inventions I didn't want anyone else to get a slice of the profits, so I bankrolled the whole thing myself. I took every grant and loan I could get my hands on, even some from some, shall we say, less than reputable sources.

The invention was a flop, turns out no-one wants a million dollar search and rescue robot which has all the capabilities of a dog, when they can just use an real dog instead. I was forced to sell them as toys! Needless to say I didn't make back the money I owed, but with my credentials I was able to secure this job, out of reach from my creditors."

All the sudden, Lisa's torch beam jumped wildly, Bart heard her scream as she slipped and fell through the floor.

"Grab something!" yelled Dan urgently

Bart flailed wildly gloved hands finding no purchase on the smooth wooden floor, the walls out of reach on either side. His rope connected him to Lisa, dragging him towards the abyss. His slide was arrested when the rope went taught; he looked up to see Dan had his ice pick jammed into the floor.

"Are you ok!" yelled Dan

There was silence for a moment as Dan and Bart held their breath, waiting to hear Lisa's response.

"I'm fine!" She called back sarcastically "Never better – now can someone get me out of here?"

Dan was impressed by her ability to use sarcasm in a life-threatening situation. Most children he knew, hell, most adults would be scared out of their wits.

Now that Lisa was no longer falling he found he could actually brace himself against the floor, and with some help from Bart he managed to pull her up.

"Let's get out of here," said Dan "that's more than enough excitement for one day."

"No," said Lisa "lets keep exploring."

"Yeah," said Bart "kem-on!"

Dan's eyes almost bugged out of his head. What were these children?

"You mean you want to keep going?" he asked incredulously "even after what just happened?"

"We've had worse" boasted Bart "wasn't as bad as the time we were trapped in a blimp with a psychopathic serial killer and a nuclear warhead."

Dan cocked an eyebrow, though the expression was rendered useless given that he was wearing goggles.

"Or," added Lisa "the time when we fell into that volcano."

"Or that time when we were chased into a giant blender by cannibalistic cafeteria workers" continued Bart

This time it was Lisa who cocked an eyebrow.

"Bart, that was just a dream you had," Lisa stated "can't you tell the difference?"

"But it seemed so real…" he said

"eer… right" said Dan, not believing them in the slightest "be that as it may, I think it would be best if we left now."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Yeah, I know I haven't updated this story in forever - I'm working on another story which I will now shamelessly plug. THOH: Firestarter, read it, it's great.**

**So I found notebook with a bunch of character interviews I wrote for this story a while ago, and I decided to adapt them into a chapter. Here goes - hope you enjoy it, and please comment :)**

**(emails are fake obviously, just to create atmosphere)  
**

To: Taylor . Smith FBI . gov

From: Nick . Huston opp . nas . org

########PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL#########

Dear Agent Smith,

The Office of Polar Programs recognizes your jurisdiction in accordance with subsection 12-b of the Antarctic Treaty, and intends to fully co-operate with your investigation into the incident at Admunson-Scott Station; please find attached, all relevant documents. I will send you additional material as it becomes available.

Regards,

Nick Huston

Director OPP

;Attachment 1: interview_initial_Daniel_

=the following has been transcribed, with permission, from the attached audio recording, which was copied from a partially damaged analogue cassette=

(recording starts)

D: Wow doc, what's with the antique, didn't you hear? Tape went out in the 90's

S: You can call me Sarah, for the record, your name is Daniel Spark. Mr Spark –

D: - Daniel is fine

S: Daniel, do you know why I'm here?

D: Well seeing as you're a psyche grad, I'd guess you're here to see how crazy we all are.

S: Well that's a rather crude way of putting it, but essentially yes. I'm here to study how a small community deals with extreme isolation

D: Well, I hate to tell you this, but you're experiment isn't very controlled.

S: Meaning?

D: The people here aren't exactly 'normal' to begin with.

S: That's exactly what the initial interviews are for, to set a baseline – before winter

S: So you work here as a mechanic?

D: Yes

S: Do you enjoy your work?

D: Oh yeah, it's challenging, rewarding – we're on the cutting edge of science

S: According to your personnel file you have a double masters, aren't you somewhat over-qualified?

D: No

S: … I see

(indecipherable static)

;attachment 2: interview_initial_Carla_

=the following has been transcribed, with permission, from the attached audio recording, which was copied from a partially damaged analogue cassette=

(indecipherable static)

S: So do you ever feel… out of place here?

C: Why?

S: Well the other scientists are mostly physicists and astronomers

C: And Climatologists

S: And my question?

C: Well, I suppose it is kind of ironic that as botanist I came to one of the few places in the world with no plants whatsoever.

S: So why did you come here?

C: Control – with no other life present there can be no contamination

S: I was under the impression that the Antarctic treaty prohibited non-native species.

C: You shoulda seen the paperwork I had to fill out just to get this far – I actually have to ship the used nutrient solution back to McMurdo – yeah right, fat chance of introducing a new species when it's 70 below and there's no liquid water. May as well be on the moon –

(indecipherable static)

;Attachment 3: interview_initial_Bart_

=the following has been transcribed, with permission, from the attached audio recording, which was copied from a partially damaged analogue cassette=

(recording starts)

S: Please state your name, for the record.

B: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?

S: Sarah – Now Bart do you know why I'm here?

B: I don't need a shrink

S: I'm not a shrink -

B: Therapist, councilor, hypnotist – what difference does it make?

S: I'm a researcher

B: So you're going to 'study' how messed up I am?

S: Do you think you're 'messed up'?

B: Reverse psychology?

S: Simple question.

B: No

S: How did it make you feel to come to Antarctica?

B: Meh.

S: It must have been hard on you, moving away from all your friends – everything you knew

B: Wouldn't be the first time

S: But still, to come to a place so isolated –

B: Alaska was worse, at least here they have good internet

S: So you've seen it all before?

B: I've been to every continent, I speak five languages, I've been in jail four times in three different countries and I've survived kidnap and murder attempts on at least eight separate occasions. So why don't you tell me?

S: er… right. So, do you feel that you fit in here?

B: No

S: Care to elaborate?

B: huh?

S: Why do you think that is?

B: 'cause they're all nerds.

S: Not all of them are scientists you know, at least half are support staff

B: That's what I thought about Dan, but then he turned out to be some kind of super nerd.

S: Daniel Spark you mean?

B: Yeah

S: Well, he's something of an exception, I -

(static)

;attachment 4: interview_initial_Lisa_

=the following has been transcribed, with permission, from the attached audio recording, which was copied from a partially damaged analogue cassette=

S: State your name for the record

L: Lisa Marie Simpson

S: OK Lisa, my name –

L: -Sarah

S: How did –

L: You're a FNGI, everyone knows your name

S: Fingie?

L: Well they wouldn't tell me what it stood for, but it means you're new here

S: Oh. So the community here, it's quite tight?

L: With so few people how could it not be? In that regard it kinda reminds me of this village in Tuscany where we stayed for a while – 'course it turned out that the mayor of that town was a homicidal maniac, so hopefully this will turn out better.

S: Uh, huh… So how did it make you feel to move to Antarctica?

L: Oh, it's great! Everyone is so smart and educated… and friendly! Out of all the places I've been this is probably my favorite

S: Yes, your brother said you traveled a lot – but he seemed less enthused about the move.

L: Oh don't mind Bart, he's an idiot.

S: These interviews aren't confidential

L: I know, so?

S: So your brother might… nevermind. It wasn't difficult to leave your friends?

L: Friends, right, er…yeah

S: …

L: Fine! I don't have many friends. An 'intellectual misfit' I think my last therapist called it.

S: I'm not a therapist

L: Whatever… wait, so you're a scientist then?

S: Yes

L: A social scientist?

S: close enough

L: So you're studying the community here to investigate the effects of extreme isolation… which would have applications in the way other research stations are run…

S: …

L: No?... bigger than that – space travel!

S: …

L: The crew on a long spaceflight would have a similar makeup to the station; and the extreme weather forces close quarters and isolation… did you know my Dad's an ex-astronaut?

S: How, why… wait what?

L: 'Intellectual misfit', remember?

S: No, right, ok, but – your father was an astronaut? It doesn't appear in his file…

L: Sure was, only flew one mission, but he saved the lives of his crew.

S: Ok then. Hav-

(static)

;attachment 5: interview_initial_Marge_

=the following has been transcribed, with permission, from the attached audio recording, which was copied from a partially damaged analogue cassette=

(indecipherable static)

S: I must say, your children have vivid imaginations

M: What makes you say that?

S: Well your daughter… Lisa, claimed that 'her father was an astronaut' and your son told me that you all travelled to all seven continents in one year and that he's been kidnapped and nearly killed on an almost routine basis.

M: … It's true.

S: What! Which part?

M: (sigh) All of it

S: so your husband was an astronaut? It doesn't appear in his file.

M: Well, technically he was classified as 'cargo' during that mission.

S: I see. Wel-

(static)


End file.
